Hello Councillor Robert Pattinson
I understand from the internet that you are the mayor of Erewash, which of course includes Ilkeston. Do you use the internet in your mayoral capacity? What is the mayors favourite website?
I digress of course and I must immediately return to the business of this email. I imagine that the mayors time is very precious.
In early September I am holidaying with my family, Douglas (son), Steven (best friend), wife (I suspect unfaithful), in wonderful Ilkeston. When I was a boy I regularly visited Ilkeston, going to all the local ironworks and dancing with that man who used to sit outside Woolworths. At least 5 of the best 9 days of my life were spent in Ilkeston.
I want Douglas to share this wonderful experience. He often says that he has nothing to live for, which does not seem like the sort of thing that a six year old should say to me, regardless of the size of his feet and violent toilet incidents. I have never seen a boy as depressed as my own son. However much I try to cheer him up and convince him that he is a wonderful human being my work is always undone by the cruel words of the children at his school, or his mother.
I also want Steven to have an enjoyable time as he has been really down this year. Steven was in the army during the Gulf war. He was my commanding officer and kept me safe all the time that I was over there. One day I went on a mission without him. There was gunfire and a bomb and I had to be saved. The man that saved me was Steven. I was unscathed but he sadly lost the use of his legs. As the ability to walk disappeared so did his job in the army, the one thing that gave his life meaning. Since then he has sat in a wheelchair, watching DVDs and getting drunk. He does not feel like the hero that he is, and maybe that says a lot about Britain today.
When we arrive in Ilkeston we will be going to our cottage and then for a meal at the Bear (I have arranged this with Mr M Y Blackberry who I believe to be the proprietor of the establishment, he is a keen fan of cryptic puzzles, do you know him?). But I have had a great idea that could make our arrival in Ilkeston truly memorable for both my best friend and hero (Steven) and the heir to my estate (Douglas).
I would like to arrange for a full civic reception to be in place when we arrive in town, with a short speech made regarding how happy Ilkeston is to receive out party for our stay, also mentioning Steven’s good work in the war and how great Douglas is.
This speech should be made by yourself, Michael Parkinson, The Mayor of Erewash.
If you could also present each of our party with both a medal and a key to the town of Ilkeston I think we would all be truly touched by this gesture, even my wife, I think you would like her, most older gentleman take a shine to her.
We will be arriving on September 1st, at around 1 p.m.
Thanks in advance for all of your help.