Hello Taser.com

I am in the market for some high end weapons and I am hoping that you can help me.

First some background?  Go on then….

I was once just a normal man, probably just like you, or if you are a woman I was like your husband but a bit better looking.  Then I went out one day and something happened.  A badger bit me.

What about TB you ask?  TB was the least of my worries.

After the badger bit me something happened, I almost cannot explain it.  I was faster, stronger, better.

Plus I think my legs have shrunk a little bit, and I seem to be getting a bit stockier.  I am also fairly certain that my nose is getting longer.  (But that might be because the carpenter who made me did it all wrong and it won’t be sorted until I am a real boy).

Anyway, with my new powers I had to adapt and learn.  I did this relatively quickly, but like so many before me I was quickly drawn in to the world of crime fighting.

Initially I had no weapons, no disguise, no vehicle.  I took to zooming around on a bicycle with a balaclava on.  My weapon of choice? A bit of wood with some nails in it.

As you can imagine my apprehension of criminals tends to be brutal.

So I have decided it is time to make a change.  I was watching one of those police shows and I noticed that the police use tasers to stop the criminal from getting away.  This seems much better as it reduces the risk of permanent scarring and brain damage should you have got the addresses mixed up and you are actually just bludgeoning an innocent man in front of his family.  (It only happened once)

After a bit of a search on the internet (I basically googled tasers) I found your site (the top result if you google tasers).  Some of your products look absolutely brilliant.  But I need some special things.

Let me expand.

1.  I would like some tasers that come out of the ‘claws’ on my costume, for close combat shocks.

2.  Is it possible to wire up a taser to my front teeth?  Since I got my new powers I love to bite criminals when in battle.  I don’t mind if this shocks me a little bit, I have always liked a bit of pain.  Probably my maximum pain threshold is the level of when a girl bites you in that sexy way they do in bed sometimes.  If you don’t know what that feels like ask your wife to do it.  (you will probably thank me)

3.  Can we put tasers on cars?  So if I run someone down in a pursuit they get a shock to make sure they cannot get up and run away.

4.  Can I cover my lair (parents garage) in security tasers?  These will need to somehow recognise that it is not me coming in and shock the intruder.

I would need your discretion on these issues as I am becoming a more high profile figure on a near daily basis.

Also if you are not the boss of taser.com could you be my inside man? You could secretly do the work on this stuff and post it to me.

If not, just write Taser.com on the side of each taser and that will be free advertising for you won’t it?

The offer of advertising, plus that sex tip I gave you earlier probably makes us about even I think.  So if you let me know of a secluded location where you can drop off the tasers, then I will arrange to pick them up.

Thank you and god speed.


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