Dating in a Shark


Dating in a shark fills the gap in the market between Jaws and Blind Date.  It is fun for all the family but also has a very important message about love and the consequences of casual affairs of the heart.  It is also a warning regarding the pursuit of fame.


Each week six contestants will be transported to a giant metal whale shark housed just outside of Norwich.  Inside of the metal shark their every move will be filmed.

Each contestant will be placed in a small pool of water that, in turn, links to the larger central pool.

In the pool there will be a selection of sharks.  Initially these sharks will be species that are harmless to humans, but due to the public perception of sharks there will be at the very least a fear factor for the contestants.

The contestants will all meet in the main pool.  They will be in trunks and bikini’s so it will be a little bit saucy.

The male and female contestants will all decide if there is a member of the opposite sex that they are interested in.  If not they will be allowed to leave at this point.

If two people are interested in meeting again they can arrange a meeting in the main pool.

During this second date the contestants will be informed that a Great White Shark is going to be released in to the pool.  They will be told that he has recently been fed, and that the actual chances of the shark attacking them are minimal.  Despite this there is the possibility that the shark could nip at their limbs in an effort to ‘test’ them.  (There will not actually be a great white released in to the compound, this is simply to test the contestants.)

After this round of dating the contestants will again be offered the opportunity to leave the giant metal shark compound.

If the contestants choose to stay in the competition at this stage it will lead us to conclude one of two things.  Either they are really taken with the random person that they have just met, or they are desperate for the small modicum of fame that this show may give them.

The third and final round of dating will take place in separate boats for each remaining couple.  Before boarding the boat the couples will be told of the instances of shark attacks on boats, and how they are possibly drawn to the boats by the machinery.  The contestants will be on the boat in the middle of the giant pool where they must have a three course meal together.

During this process the contestants will be told that as this round is taking place at dusk they are in the prime feeding time for sharks, and that in addition to a Great White there is now a Tiger shark (famed for its ability to eat nearly anything).

At any stage the contestants can ask for the date to be brought to an end, at which stage the boat will return to the side of the pool and they will leave the competition.

Following this final round of dating, the contestants will be asked if they wish to see their partner again.  They will not be told the circumstances of the date other than it will be another aquatic date.

The contestants that say yes will be whisked away to swim with Dolphins, which apparently loads of people want to do and is romantic.

The contestants that say no to love will be offered a final challenge.

In an interview the contestant will be asked how much they desire fame, and whether that drove them to appear on the show, they will almost certainly say yes.  They will then be offered the chance to appear on Celebrity Juice as a guest provided they will re-enter the shark pool, but this time covered in raw steak.

It is anticipated that no one would want fame enough to do this, but sadly I suspect someone will say yes to the challenge.  I would recommend that they are covered in meat and placed in a sharkless pool to swim around indefinitely.


The key issue with this show is that there are never any sharks in the tank that are of a species that has a history of attacking humans.  This is not known to the contestants, as the fear is the driving force behind the decisions the contestants have to make.

The smaller, harmless species of shark that will be in the pool will be treated excellently and fed in advance of each round, just in case.

This will provide an excellent opportunity to dispel a lot of myths regarding sharks and show that they are a fairly safe mammal to be around.

It will also be a good example to the youth of today that perhaps chasing meaningless fame is fairly pointless and they should think about trying at school or reading a book or something.

The theme tune could be Mack the Knife, because it has that bit about a shark at the start.

It could also be hosted by Pat Shark.

I am actually ashamed of that one, sorry.

Just get someone from Girls Aloud to host it, probably not the ginger one, she scares me more than a shark attack.


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